Teeth, Trailers, Tits and a Ronnie Assfuck

Image by Coreyu via Flickr

Hey you! That’s right…you, Joe Bob Dipshit out there in Fucked-My-Sister, Kansas…You, over there with the fourteen dirty kids and the wife with sunken eyes and hip bones sticking out like the ass on a starving Longhorn…

You, you laid-off, post-unemployment, pick-up driving, boozing, three-pack-a-day, nail-pounder who just got his double-wide repossessed and is living in Mom’s basement…YOU for Christ sake!

Well, I can tell from that gaping-rotten-tooth grin of yours and the thousand yard familial stare and poor nutrition you share with the rest of your pathetic brood; that preventative medicine is not high on your “dear God, just-let-me-get-through-the-day” lifestyle.

In fact, the last time you saw a doctor was the night the cops arrested you for Driving Under the Influence and (of course) No Insurance and had to split your scalp in the process.

Not that the wife and your, one-missed-meal-from-rickets kiddies are in any better shape. Well, my friend, I’ve got two things for ya here…Good News and Advice. So, let’s get started.



I know what you’ve been hearing and it’s true. The government, the same one that the King of the Asshole Presidents, Ronald “Let’s Fuck the People in the Ass” Reagan said was “the problem,” is amazingly going to try to help you with one of your problems; and that is finding out why your darling wifey over there, has a lump in one of her tits the size of a golf ball with ambitions on the tennis court.

Yes, my brother, they want to give you free Health Care. Now don’t start with those silly ass questions like: “Am I gonna get to keep my own doctor under this plan?” Well, first of all you don’t have a fucking doctor. Secondly, you couldn’t afford to pay him if you did. And third, he’s not going to carry a tab for you till the steel, auto, electronic, clothing, footwear and high-tech industries come back to America and you can finally find a job again.

Look shit-for-brains, it’s not going to be perfect. “But am I gonna have to wait for an operation if’n I need one?” Yea, probably. But, waiting is better than not getting one at all, right?

So…Here comes the advice…Shut the fuck up and just take it. It is free, you dumb motherfucker. Do you get that part? It’s like when you go shoplifting at the grocery store, so grandma don’t have to pick if it’s going to be dinner or her heart medicine this month. It’s free…so shut up and take it.

“Well ain’t that kinda like welfare,” you ask. No genius…you only get welfare in this country if you’re an AIG executive.

Now shut your drooling pie-hole and take it. And don’t make me think you’re stupider than that goofy fucking president we just talked about…

There isn’t that better, thank you.

Fidel and His Cousin Jesus Castro

Image via Wikipedia

What do you call a guy standing in the middle of a busy coffee house yelling at the top of his frothy lungs to Fidel Castro in the next room? It’s possible Fidel could be there getting ready to come over, sit down and have a buchi. But, standing there in the same room with the screamer, you can’t really prove that Castro isn’t there…can you? In this world of possibilities, he just might be there…right?

Wrong! The fucker is not there! Period! There is no way the commie son-of-a-bitch could be there stroking his thousand-year-old beard and farting up his red beans and rice, “man of the people” mid-morning snack. You know it. I know it. And the crazy cocksucker hollering his ass off to El Commandante knows it too. Unless, he’s delusional as a pet raccoon left in his cage for the last ten years.

Mr. Castro is not there. But, you can’t tell that mental patient engaged in conversation with him that. He won’t believe you. And that is a sure sign of a major psychosis brewing. Loudmouth Davy Crockett over there is having a chat with that skinny, wilted, Cuban, prick and that…my friend, is that.

Same thing with these Christian assholes, who every time before they glug a greasy hamburger down their sanctified gullets, start mumbling in a head-down position, to some bastard who definitely ain’t in the room. Telling ‘em whomever they are chatting with left an hour ago, would be like telling a kid with a very sincere and devoted imaginary friend…“Look Bobbie, I know you’re close to your buddy Mr. Asscheeks. But, you’re getting too old for this shit…”

The little kid will inevitably get a hurt and angry look on his tiny, angelic face and gently and with the utmost compassion reply to you, “Look Dad…you better back off because if Mr. Asscheeks, who generally knows and hears all, gets wind that you’re disrespecting him; well…he’s gonna fuck you up good; now and forever.”

Try telling a Christian that their imaginary friend ain’t there and you’re pretty well assured of getting the same response…only this time in spades. And if you go too far for them, you are going to be as dead as the last abortion doctor they made holey with 9mm hollow points.

The point is, that these Christian-religious, bore-the-shit-out-of-you-at -a-party, phony as rubber-dog-shit, motherfuckers are never; I mean never fucking ever; gonna believe that their unseen friend, whom they rely on for all sort of shit…is not anywhere around. They are as fucking psychotic as the idiot talking to Castro.

But, that does not mean us secularists (the Christian code word for normal people) have to put up with their shenanigans. The next time you’re at a restaurant with one of ‘em or having Christmas (their absolute favorite time of year) dinner with one of your equally nutso relatives. And they go into their song-and-dance, running around the table; dropping occasionally to one knee; mumbling; touching their foreheads, chests and shoulders in rapid succession. Just go out to the car. Get the pistol under the seat and shoot the fuckers, till they are as dead as the aborted babies they are always bitchin’ about.

It will serve the crazy bastards right! And make the world a damn better place. Thank you very much for your kind attention.

Gasoline and Cat Food

Image via Wikipedia

Hicks…You’re a genius.

For years, I’ve wondered what was so irritating about our friends in the Christian community. They don’t really have a persecution complex per se. What they have, is a compelling need to be persecuted. It’s what got them started and what’s kept them going. Why would they stop wanting to be thrown to the lions, when it has worked so well in the past?

Just look at their present day routine…The War on Christmas, The War on Prayer, and The War on Values; Decadent art, corrupt movies, abortion and venal television, of course. (They’d attack books but nobody reads anymore.) These guys are fronting more wars at the same time than most generals could imagine.

But, it’s coming to an end. More and more Americans are letting that pious song-and-dance just drift away from everyday consciousness. What the Christians need now is a return to their roots! So, what I’m going to suggest may help…

Remember the conflict between the Buddhists and Catholics during the Vietnam War. Every once in a while a Buddhist monk would assume a seated cross-legged position at a busy corner; dose himself with gasoline; strike match and go up in flames for the cause.

Look, the Christians could do the same thing. Every time somebody removes a Nativity Scene from a public building or Sasha Baron Cohen produces a movie, one of them could go to the local zoo, slop themselves with Zebra urine, find the lion display and jump inside. Bingo! Back to the Old Time Religion!

It's good PR for them. Good eating for the lions. And good riddance for the rest of us.

LESSON ONE:

Image via Wikipedia

Christians….You can’t live with em. And shit…You can’t feed ‘em to the cat. (Although I understand that there is a historical precedent for that on some level.)

Another thing you can’t ever do is engage them in debate. They get their lines directly from God. Who, in that position is going to give two-shits about what you have to say. Especially, if they think you are Wong. And unless you’ve got on a cheesy, plastic, bracelet with “WWJD” on it; you are, my friend, going to be Wrong. Simply put, if they get wind that you may not accept their desert faith; in other words THE TRUTH; these guys are going to trigger into two escalating modes of critical behavior.

Number ONE:
First they are going to try to convince you; save you; (read) Convert you to their position. This, in Christian parlance, is called “Going into Salvation Mode.” It is, as I said first on their list of options.

That failing…get ready because as quick as that nice scientist fella can turn into the Incredible-fuckin-Hulk; here comes…

Number TWO:
They are, as hard as they can, going to fuck you in the heart. They are going to fuck you flying with a big smile on their beatific faces. They are going to crush your nuts in the vice of righteousness and charge you for the rental on the vice. This, in Christian parlance, is called “Killing is Okay if it’s For the Lord Mode.”

If you think for one second, they are going to do the generally accepted “turn the other cheek” routine; you are going to quickly learn that the “love your enemies” shit is just one primo piece of PR work. They don’t believe it. And when they are done, neither will you.

So let’s recap:
Christian (vs.) Your average-normal “Please get off my porch you crazed-eyes-gazed-over-radiant-faced-Jesus-loving-maniac,” Guy.

Here’s the play:

Round one: Polite but strident conversation.
Score at the end of round one:
Christians - 1
(Going directly to Hell, no stop for espresso) Average Normal Guy – 1(or possibly more, doesn’t matter.)

We continue the engagement:

Round 2 – Christians 1 trillion billion million
Nonbeliever- DEAD

This for Christians, is of course, the preferred outcome.

Lucky for me, I haven’t been around too many of those “Let’s shoot the abortion doctor Daddy” Christians. But, I have been around their big brothers…The Jews. All in all, I like them better…Less pretense. Those guys go directly to Round 2, no bullshitting around. So ends today’s lesson in Comparative Religion! Thank you and God Bless.

You were expecting more?

Mark Sanford also Rises

Image by 陳卡比愛六十五 via Flickr

What did Mark Sanford do, that was so bad, that it has got everybody so damned worked up? For Pete’s Sake…Sanford was doing a woman, right? Not a kid, or a dwarf, or tapping his foot under a stall in the men’s room as is so popular among our duely elected representatives these days.

I’m afraid that the sun does not rise and fall on Mark Sanford’s pitiful erections. But, at least apparently, he has them…which is something the holy-rollers and moral-howlers can’t seem to stand. So…Sanford had to do a little weepy “welcome me back to the flock,” speech that, at least in my eyes, was somewhat embarrassing to watch.

Are Americans so naïve they think that this doesn’t go on all the time? Do they think that the goings on in their state capitol are any different than that night they had too much wine and wound up in their newly divorced neighbor’s hot tub? My, My… we are such a bunch of prudish prunes…and looked that way right after we got dragged out of that hot tub by the angry missus. What are we going to do about it anyway? Stone Mr. Sanford; shun him; make him wear a scarlet letter on the lapel of his expensive, tailored suit.

Not me...I'm glad the guy got a little. Too bad for him he's getting a little more.

Michael Jackson, John Wayne, Lee Greenwood and Me

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What people say about his being a pedophile-freak-monster, does not diminish Michael Jackson’s worth as a creative artist. He created new musical forms and even established (how about that) new categories of race and gender. And the American public worships him for it.
The American people sure are a strange bunch! What other country would use performers as role models and believe the shit that rolls out of the mouths of their snake-tongued publicists?

The American people are so gullible; they think that John Wayne was hero because he played, what his director though was a heroic character, in cowboy movies. That whole “a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” two-fisted, rugged-individual, code-of-the-west, man’s-man bullshit was all made up by some Jewish scriptwriter whose closest contact with any form of machismo was a secret contribution he made in college to the Haganah.

Yet, generations of American kids stood in front of the mirror snarling like the Duke, not really aware that in fact, being a man’s-man, was kinda…in a sense…Gay. I believe that once when the iron-jawed John Wayne visited a ward of Marines wounded during World War Two, they threw their bedpans at him. I guess the operative thought was that if Wayne could sling his shit on the screen; they could sling theirs while residents of the Naval Hospital they were guests in.

Fuck John Wayne! It’s always the John Waynes with bad knees or Lee Greenwoods with a hardship draft exemptions, that wave the flag the highest and shout the loudest that we should put a boot in the ass of anyone or anything that gets in America’s way. Of course, it’s never their foot inside that boot when it’s called upon to do the kicking. Fuck them and their “Proud to Be an American,” horseshit, county-western, cornball, horse-opera-heroics. But, Americans follow those Marlboro Man morons for reasons I’ve never been able to understand.

But, as far as Michael Jackson goes, if you are dumb enough to worship any celebrity…Especially one like Jacko there, you ought to go to Hell (if there was such a place) just for being stupid. If you’re dumb enough to sit on a jury and find a celebrity…Especially one like Jacko there…Not Guilty, you should go to Hell with him (or, as in Jackson’s case, her or it.)

Unfortunately, there is no shortage in this country of drooling, nose-picking, imbeciles running around playing with their feces. And a good many of them vote. If, Jackson had run for governor of California before he died…He probably would have won. Ronald “Yes, General…I am awake, please continue with the briefing” Reagan did.

And that my friend, is the exact historical point at which the shit began to run downhill like lava from Mt. Kilofuckinwayah. That is where America did an about face and started the march to where we are today… Without Unions, Industry, jobs, health care or…a fucking future.

Sitting in his Oval Office, Ronald Reagan, doing the fastest, most vigorous, “song and dance” of his celebrated career, did for you and I what the Imperial Japanese Army, the Nazi War Machine and the flu epidemic of 1918 couldn’t do….He took our country away and gave it to the thieves and criminals that have it today. Thanks Ronnie…Thanks for recognizing that the government (at least the one you were part of) was the problem.

So, if you’re wondering why Americans are so enamored with celebrity that they elect actors, weight-lifters and professional wrestlers to public office. And why, in death Michael Jackson, who slept with little boys and thought it was “sweet,” is mourned by a population that should know better: and why there are folks who still think O.J. isn’t a murderer; and why John Wayne is still an icon of sorts…

Stand in line brother…I don’t get it either!

When You're Right...You're Robert

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Robert Goodman is one of the few commentators on SelwynDuke.com
(other then your dear author) who is not a hydrocephalic.

He took the time to post a few lines assessing his view of me, which I think are not only well written, but absolutely correct in every sense.

Bravo Mr. Goodman…You hit that one out of the park and don’t you forget it. Permit me to quote you…


Robert Goodman said in reply to Ray Hicks...
“Mr. Hicks:
You are the very type of self indulgent poser I despise. I’ve had the misfortune to follow your comments as posted here for the last couple of weeks. They sicken me. You are a corrupt, misguided fool and only seek to “annoy and irritate” anyone unlucky enough to find themselves within your focus.
I have also read your pathetic blog which I cite herein, rayhickslovesyou@blogspot.com not to advertise your filth but to provide an example of what we as Christians and decent Americans must fight to eliminate from our social fabric.
On the pages of that disgusting blog you encourage abortion, ridicule the Holy Bible, offend our Armed Services, and attempt to make fun of beliefs and values any common citizen of our Republic would hold dear.
They say that evil has a common face Mr. Hicks and I think that it is yours.”