AMERICA....VOICE OF THE FURNITURE

People in Europe have got to be shrugging their shoulders in that continental “what-the-fuck” gesture and asking themselves what’s going on in America when they hear the news coming out of the U.S. these days.

I’m sure they might have thought of us a bit differently when we elected Obama and put aside George W. Bush, that shining star in the pantheon the asshole presidents.

But, with the start of the health care legislation and the accompanying mad-house Town Hall debates; complete with proud members of the N.R.A. carrying guns alongside there Blackberries; for no reason other than they can; the rest of the western industrialized world must be rethinking that vacation trip to the Grand Canyon.

I mean…I don’t really care what a “dining room table” has to say to Barney Frank. The problem is what these dribbling idiots say into a microphone at a Town Hall meeting affects…me. I live here too. But, unlike these crazies, at the end of the day, I don’t go home and play with the cat shit in the litter box.

Now, with the latest rioting in the streets over the Presidential address to school kids, the Europeans surely must think we’re nuts. And they should.

Well…some of us anyway.

Teeth, Trailers, Tits and a Ronnie Assfuck

Image by Coreyu via Flickr

Hey you! That’s right…you, Joe Bob Dipshit out there in Fucked-My-Sister, Kansas…You, over there with the fourteen dirty kids and the wife with sunken eyes and hip bones sticking out like the ass on a starving Longhorn…

You, you laid-off, post-unemployment, pick-up driving, boozing, three-pack-a-day, nail-pounder who just got his double-wide repossessed and is living in Mom’s basement…YOU for Christ sake!

Well, I can tell from that gaping-rotten-tooth grin of yours and the thousand yard familial stare and poor nutrition you share with the rest of your pathetic brood; that preventative medicine is not high on your “dear God, just-let-me-get-through-the-day” lifestyle.

In fact, the last time you saw a doctor was the night the cops arrested you for Driving Under the Influence and (of course) No Insurance and had to split your scalp in the process.

Not that the wife and your, one-missed-meal-from-rickets kiddies are in any better shape. Well, my friend, I’ve got two things for ya here…Good News and Advice. So, let’s get started.



I know what you’ve been hearing and it’s true. The government, the same one that the King of the Asshole Presidents, Ronald “Let’s Fuck the People in the Ass” Reagan said was “the problem,” is amazingly going to try to help you with one of your problems; and that is finding out why your darling wifey over there, has a lump in one of her tits the size of a golf ball with ambitions on the tennis court.

Yes, my brother, they want to give you free Health Care. Now don’t start with those silly ass questions like: “Am I gonna get to keep my own doctor under this plan?” Well, first of all you don’t have a fucking doctor. Secondly, you couldn’t afford to pay him if you did. And third, he’s not going to carry a tab for you till the steel, auto, electronic, clothing, footwear and high-tech industries come back to America and you can finally find a job again.

Look shit-for-brains, it’s not going to be perfect. “But am I gonna have to wait for an operation if’n I need one?” Yea, probably. But, waiting is better than not getting one at all, right?

So…Here comes the advice…Shut the fuck up and just take it. It is free, you dumb motherfucker. Do you get that part? It’s like when you go shoplifting at the grocery store, so grandma don’t have to pick if it’s going to be dinner or her heart medicine this month. It’s free…so shut up and take it.

“Well ain’t that kinda like welfare,” you ask. No genius…you only get welfare in this country if you’re an AIG executive.

Now shut your drooling pie-hole and take it. And don’t make me think you’re stupider than that goofy fucking president we just talked about…

There isn’t that better, thank you.