LESSON ONE:

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Christians….You can’t live with em. And shit…You can’t feed ‘em to the cat. (Although I understand that there is a historical precedent for that on some level.)

Another thing you can’t ever do is engage them in debate. They get their lines directly from God. Who, in that position is going to give two-shits about what you have to say. Especially, if they think you are Wong. And unless you’ve got on a cheesy, plastic, bracelet with “WWJD” on it; you are, my friend, going to be Wrong. Simply put, if they get wind that you may not accept their desert faith; in other words THE TRUTH; these guys are going to trigger into two escalating modes of critical behavior.

Number ONE:
First they are going to try to convince you; save you; (read) Convert you to their position. This, in Christian parlance, is called “Going into Salvation Mode.” It is, as I said first on their list of options.

That failing…get ready because as quick as that nice scientist fella can turn into the Incredible-fuckin-Hulk; here comes…

Number TWO:
They are, as hard as they can, going to fuck you in the heart. They are going to fuck you flying with a big smile on their beatific faces. They are going to crush your nuts in the vice of righteousness and charge you for the rental on the vice. This, in Christian parlance, is called “Killing is Okay if it’s For the Lord Mode.”

If you think for one second, they are going to do the generally accepted “turn the other cheek” routine; you are going to quickly learn that the “love your enemies” shit is just one primo piece of PR work. They don’t believe it. And when they are done, neither will you.

So let’s recap:
Christian (vs.) Your average-normal “Please get off my porch you crazed-eyes-gazed-over-radiant-faced-Jesus-loving-maniac,” Guy.

Here’s the play:

Round one: Polite but strident conversation.
Score at the end of round one:
Christians - 1
(Going directly to Hell, no stop for espresso) Average Normal Guy – 1(or possibly more, doesn’t matter.)

We continue the engagement:

Round 2 – Christians 1 trillion billion million
Nonbeliever- DEAD

This for Christians, is of course, the preferred outcome.

Lucky for me, I haven’t been around too many of those “Let’s shoot the abortion doctor Daddy” Christians. But, I have been around their big brothers…The Jews. All in all, I like them better…Less pretense. Those guys go directly to Round 2, no bullshitting around. So ends today’s lesson in Comparative Religion! Thank you and God Bless.

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