Archeological Find ID's Bible's Author

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Dr. Moshe Horvitz of the Or Akiva Institute of Biblical Studies announced today that irrefutable evidence discovered last year, in the Nefud Dessert by indigenous, nomadic, goat-herders; confirms that the Bible was written solely by one man using a number of pen names.

The Bible’s author, whom Dr. Horvitz believes to be Maurice Hertzbaum; a reclusive, cave-dwelling, misfit also penned another spiritual self-help book, which at the time of publishing, rivaled the Bible in sales and popularity. This work, parts of which are in the process of restoration, is reportedly titled, “Cactus---Not a Good Dildo,” contains a hand-drawn picture of a young Maurice Hertzbaum taking a shit alongside his herd of scrawny, fitly, disease-ridden, sheep; which at the time, were generally preferred to swine in any form.

A signed copy of the Bible, held in a vault at the Or Akiva Institute, which handwriting experts attributed to Maurice Hertzbaum at a time just before he went missing following accusations of sexual misconduct with his fourteen year old stepson, contains the notation:

“To Sholmo: Don’t take all this too serious boychik. It’s just a work of fiction. But, remember abortion is bad…Very bad”

Sources in Rome disputed Dr. Horvitz’s findings and presented evidence found in Aramaic texts which suggested that ancient Semitic peoples commonly used cactus as a dildo.